Looking for something

I was in a store a couple of weeks ago a that carried inspirational messages plaques, and I wrote this one down because I kind of liked it.

Sorrow looks back,
Worry looks around,
Faith looks up

After some reflection I have decided that I don't much like it.

I am totally fine with the faith looks up part although I think that faith is also forward looking, but the sorrow and worry part are just too pessimistic for me.

As I have progressed down my personal grief journey, I have encountered a lot of bumps in the road. Most significantly, I had to go through the scare of having cancer twice. But when I look back to the days when I was lucky enough to be the stay-at-home mom of three precious children, I feel joy. When I look back at my childhood adventures with my father, I can find no sorrow either. These memories are what sustained me and still do. I know that I am very blessed to have a wonderful family. Although Warren and my Dad died, they are still very much a part of who we are as a family.

However, I have learned to look around. If you are aware of what is happening in your life and the lives of those you love, sure, there will be worries. The trick is to share your worries and that's where the faith part has become increasingly important to me.

The great part is that this inspirational message may be just the thing for someone who is stuck in their own grief journey. Sometimes we get stuck in recriminations and what-ifs to the point where sadness becomes bitterness. That's the time when you have to just move forward, and look-up.

What Would I Do Differently?

In the months following Warren's death, I searched through my memory of the week preceeding, to try to determine what I could have done to prevent his death. I have spent many years blaming myself for what happened. I often told Mark that when a women gives birth to three children but loses one that is only a 66% sucess rate and therefore I was a failure as a mother. As I have gained some perspective with time, I realize that this self-judgement may have been harsh, but to tell the truth, I still feel like a failure sometimes.

So here are some things I would do differently.
1. I would be sure to hug and kiss my children more and never in a distracted way.
2. I would tell my children I love them each and every time they went out the door, when they got up and when they went to bed, when I talked to them on the telephone, and at random times in-between.
3. I would make sure to act on love as a verb.
4. I would worry less about their safety and more about doing things as a family.
5. I would listen and then ask questions to be sure I had their concerns as my own.

None of these things would have saved Warren's life but I would feel better today had I resolved to do these things yesterday. I did start to act on many of these things with my daughters and believe it or not, that is when I started to feel like a good mother again.

Stuff and Things

I keep a poem posted on the wall next to my computer that I received at a candlelight memorial service for anyone who had lost a loved one. It reads like this:

"We Remember Them"

In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us.
We remember them.

This came from Gates of Prayer, a Reform Judaism Prayerbook.

This really captures the essence of how I remember Warren and my father.
In my memories, they will not die and become forgotten.

This year marks the third year that Warren's family and friends have participated in a walk to benefit the children currently experiencing grief. We named it Warren's Walk, Stepping out to Benefit Grieving Children. The walk is on October 1 this year.

For more information on the Candlelight Memorial Service, Warren's Walk and other events that Journey of Hope offers throughout the year, please go to their website. If you have questions or comments, you can respond to this blog or contact me directly at kricester@gmail.com.