When your child dies, heaven help your other children. When Warren died, he had two sisters, Elissa and Sarah. They were perfect and wonderful children, just as he was. They also ran the risk of becoming the forgotten siblings. In many families, child who dies is canonized and the real living children become the imperfect ones. Mark and I had seen this play out within our own family and were determined not to let this happen. But it did not seem to matter, we neglected them anyway.
The problem was, we were imperfect and distracted parents. We were caught up in our own grief and forgot to tend what was most important to us, at least temporarily. For example, I often didn't cook dinner. Now for some families, I know that this isn't a big deal, but for our family, it is a deal breaker. I always cook. It is my favorite hobby. Recreational cooking isn't just an idea, it is my greatest hobby. But when Warren died, I lost the will to cook. I couldn't focus. I didn't even want to because if you asked Warren where he wanted to eat dinner, he always asked me to cook at home.
So for many months, our food was cobbled together. If a church group or some friends too pity on us, we had a good meal. If not, we might just have eaten fast food.
It wasn't that I wanted to neglect things, I simply couldn't focus. I would go to the grocery store, then I would see something that would spark a memory. Good memories were actually worse than bad. I'd remember, sometimes cry but almost always would abandon my shopping cart, mid-store, and come home. The girls would come home from school and the cupboards were as bare as if I had never tried.
Journey of Hope, Grief Support were for a few months the reliable hot, home cooked meal that this family got to eat. Plus we got the bonus of fellowship with other families who were in the same place we were. But the conversations were almost always, light and unstrained. These meals were important to us and still are.
Often times, people ask me what they can do for a grieving family, and I say cook for them. Not right away, but in a month or two. Because when the initial outpouring of care subsides and everyone goes away, it does get tougher.
For more information about the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center and the services they offer, please visit http://www.johgriefsupport.org/.
If you want to make a comment or offer suggestions on how other parents can avoid abandoning shopping carts, please comment on this blog of contact me at kricester@gmail.com.
Hi Mrs. Rice,
ReplyDeleteI feel strange calling you Kathleen even though I am now an adult and married with my own children. You used to be my teacher at Schimelpfenig Middle School. You taught us how to make balsa wood cars with CO2 cartridges to propel them. More than that though, I remember your stories. I remember you telling us that your father had recently passed away. ..About your memories and life. All teachers do this in the course of their teaching but for some reason I always hung on your every word. You always had a smile on your face and you made the class so interesting. I remember Warren popping his head in once or twice. I always looked forward to your class. When I heard about Warren it was the following semester. I stopped by your classroom to tell you how sorry I was but you weren't there anymore. I have never stopped remembering since; Especially now that I have a new son of my own. I wanted to thank you for being such a great teacher and role model. You taught me so much and reading your blog now you've taught me about motherhood too. Thank you.
Sarah VanderMeer (formerly Sarah Galceran)